I turn 36 today.
35 was amazing and I’m expecting the upcoming year to be even better. But to do that, I feel like I need to clear the slate on some things, start fresh, blow a few misconceptions out of the water. To celebrate 36, I’ve compiled the following list of ways I’ve been faking it as a mom.
Not much at work where people mostly ask me questions related to my knowledge base, but at least 90% of the time to my children who need to know things like, “How does the refrigerator work? Why is this toothpaste blue? Where is Free Willy’s penis?” Occasionally, I will also fake deafness in response to these inquiries.
Momming. Wifing. Writing. Running a business. Admitting that you only read self improvement books…uh, and that 50 Shades of Black series, that’s really cool right?
It’s all really scary shit. But, if I have learned anything from my continuous reading of self improvement books, er soft porn, it’s that confidence is a muscle that must be practiced. So I fake it. Every. Single. Day.
3. Bladder Control
It’s cold and allergy season and my bladder is shot. I’m just going to come right out and say that most of the time you see me, there is a very good chance I am trying not to pee my pants.
Despite my very public dislike of housekeeping, (see: Confessions of an Imperfect Mom) I still feel the need to fake it. My husband is in on this one too. The last time we thought people might be stopping over we teamed up to throw every loose item from our home into the toy room and then shut the doors. Mess: hidden. 100 year old pocket doors: displayed. Fake it to make it friends.
Things disappear A LOT in our house. Broken toys, half sets of Legos, Shopkins (epecially Shopkins), old t-shirts, ill fitting and stained pajamas, the list goes on. And no one, especially not me, seems to have any idea what happens to these things.
Feigned ignorance: an overwhelmed, drowning in stuff mom’s best friend.
6. My Bra Size
Not actually on purpose, but three kids in four years stretched the girls to their limits (double D limits to be exact) and back again. What is left leaves plenty of room in an A cup and finding anything smaller than that is just too much work. So, yes, I’m a 36A and will be until I can start sharing training bras with my daughter.
7. Having it all Together
Faking it almost all of the time. Except for those rare occurrences when I actually do feel like I have it all together, in which case I have almost always forgotten something major, like milk at the grocery store or a kid at daycare.
In fact, I want you to take a look around right now and identify one mom who has it all together. And I want you to know without a doubt that they are faking this one too. We all are.
And in full disclosure, I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
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